Catharsis
by Telera1701
Summary: Many years after the Reaper War an old Shepard is forced to make a balance of her life and remembers someone she lost. Oneshot.


"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves ware down stone and sand…"

"Mother?"

The woman shot a glance at the open door, tiredly focusing her gaze on the other person in the room.

"Mother, it's me... The nurse said I would find you here…" the man attempted a smile as the door closed behind him.

"Jeff?…" her eyes widened in surprise. "I didn't hear you coming in," she sighted, "I was…" she looked at the prayer beads in her hands. "Never mind."

"Is that a drell rosary…?" he asked almost distractedly as he pulled a chair closer to his mother.

"A gift…" she answered, carefully placing the beads on the nightstand.

"I was on my way to Thessia when I got your friend's message…" Jeff let out an awkward sight. "How are they treating you here? The room seems comfortable. There's everything to make tea and coffee here. Shall I make you some tea' Or maybe you'd-"

"Tea. Tea would be fine…" she rubbed her temple. The old woman couldn't entirely blame her son for feeling slightly out of place. Last time they met was shortly after his father's funeral… to which she didn't attend to. She clearly remembered the harsh argument that followed but couldn't recall the reasons that started it. Anyway, they didn't part on good terms and before she realized it, fifteen years had passed since she had last seen him. After so much time Jeff was the last person she would expect visiting her. It was a most awkward situation.

"The head officer at social services, a drell friend of yours, he said that..." Jeff handed her the steaming cup. "He said that you were hospitalized last month. You should have told me."

Damn Kolyat, she should have known. Had she wanted to tell her son, she would have done so.

"There was nothing to tell," she took a careful sip and looked away from her child. Why would she want to uselessly burden him with her illness? People grew old and died. "There's just so much cyber-implants can do."

"You never change…" He shook his head in disappointment, anger suddenly rising up his throat. "I had to learn from some drell that my mother is dying. How is that supposed to make me feel? Not that you'd care, of course…" he wouldn't dare raise his voice. They were almost strangers, and despite the hard feelings she was still a living legend.

She ignored the young man's righteous fit and took a deep breath. Peace. Finally the galaxy was at peace. She wasn't needed anymore and she couldn't be more grateful… She would leave the universe a better place; she brought some light, as someone once said. For many years she had felt as if she outlived her purpose… she had to admit that the moment the doctors had informed her about her heart condition she was almost relieved. But now that her son was back, her hardly conquered inner peace was once again shaken.

"So you have nothing to say… What am I even doing in this place... I should be at home with my family." his voice sounded raspy, choked. "Perhaps it was just stupid of me, hoping that you would – I don't know – apologize for the way you were never there, for the way you abandoned us… but who am I to criticize the mighty Commander Shepard..."

She was about to retort that it was his father who eventually left her, taking their son with him, but truth was that she knew he was right. And she couldn't deny that she didn't even try to stop him from leaving. On a side note, it was almost hilarious the way everyone, including her son, insisted in calling her Commander even though she left the Alliance nearly thirty years before to accept a seat in the Council. A trivial matter that caught her attention nonetheless.

Shepard took a moment to study the man in front of her. He was little more than a boy fresh out of university the last time she saw him and now he was a man in his forties with his own family. She missed a whole chunk of his life without realizing it. It wasn't surprising that they had nothing in common, that he showed little to no resemblance with her. Jeff was a peaceful, shy and gentle soul, a good man who found his place in helping others without the ambition of saving the galaxy. Just like his father.

* * *

She met Niko Dragovitch, on a colony soon after the Reaper War. Niko was an ex-school teacher, helping the refugees and the orphans – there were millions. She respected his effort to take care of those in need; she realized what an important battle had to fight those who survived. To his credit not many people, especially not civilians, had the guts to approach the legendary savior of the Galaxy.

In those early days she honestly believed that she could settle down into a normal life. People were euphoric, they were glad to be alive and wanted to make the best out of the chance they were granted. An incredible number of unions was registered and the demographic boom of those first years would remain unmatched. She felt no different. She married Niko five weeks after their first date and eleven months later Jeff was born.

But that initial euphoria eventually died down and reality was once again knocking at her door.

They might have destroyed the Reapers, but their civilization stood on the brink of destruction regardless. Their political and economic center was no more. The once powerful races of the Council had to face the devastation of their homeworlds and chaos and anarchy menaced to succeed where the synthetic monsters failed.

She soon realized that the job wasn't done yet. Feeding the hungry was a noble act, but she knew it was in her power to do more, much more than that. Most people would have said it was time the Galaxy solved its problems alone – she'd sacrificed so much already. She'd earned her 'retirement'… But she was Shepard and Shepard _had to_ go. It was in her nature. It hurt more than they could understand but she left her husband and child nevertheless to rebuild the Galaxy's political foundations from scratch. She never expected them to wait for her.

She was notified legal divorce while en route to Palaven.

Niko's decision seemed like the most reasonable solution. It nearly surprised her how they managed to resist together for three years. She understood that one should always put family first and she couldn't afford it.

She was already married to the never-ending mission of making the Galaxy a safer place… When she first met the asari Justicar she believed her to be an extremist about her Code, yet looking back she realized how her life choices closely reminded of Samara's own. She loved her son, but she couldn't be so selfish as to let personal matters interfere with her duty.

Her detractors would say she didn't have a heart.

Maybe they weren't too wrong after all… it took time to admit it, but her heart died at Huerta Memorial Hospital over forty years before. What was left of it existed for the sole purpose of defending the Galaxy.

For a moment Shepard allowed herself to wonder if things could have gone differently if she hadn't lost _him_ so soon. It didn't matter. In those few months he had given her enough to last a life time.

It was more than friendship, more than family. He was more than a lover. He was her mirror, her sword and shield.

There had been a time when she wished she had kissed him at least once, when she regretted not taking their relationship to a different level, regretted not telling him how much she loved him. Now she realized that there was never the need for words between them, that their understanding was deeper than any kiss could explain. She had long since came to peace with the fact that he would always be a part of her, despite the short, short time they shared.

When he died, to the rest of the world it was if the drell never existed. No one misses an assassin. No one except her. Not a day passed without thinking about him. She missed their long conversations on board the Normandy, she missed his unique soothing voice, she missed his wise yet always humble advice.

Her heart was shattered and no one seemed to notice. There wasn't even time to mourn: the enemy was pressing and the war was worsening by the hour. Thane Krios was just another casualty, another name on the wall.

To be honest something of him still lived in Kolyat, and she couldn't deny that the way she helped that angsty teen turn into a strong adult exceeded simple loyalty to his parent.

Then it struck her. Thane did all he could to settle things with his son in the little time he had. He would be so disappointed by the way she was dealing with Jeff now. All the good she had done in the past fifteen years all of a sudden sounded like a pale excuse to hide from her son.

Realization downed on her like a shower of stones. She was so afraid of talking to him that she hid behind mountains work, an act of cowardice that didn't befit the great Commander Shepard.

A pang of guilt crossed her as she thought about Niko – a good man who didn't deserve such a poor treatment. She did try to move on. She never meant any harm. Too late she realized her mistake, and her son had to pay the consequences. She never showed how much she cared. The stupid fear of losing again someone she loved resulted in losing him just as well.

* * *

"I think I should just… just say goodbye I…" the voice of her son shook her out of her thoughts.

"I'm sorry…" She lifted old tired eyes to his face. "I righted many wrongs, brought more light to this universe than I could have hoped for… yet I let you down, of all people who counted on me..."

The man in front of her was taken aback by her unexpected acknowledgement and for once he was at a loss for words.

"There's no way I can make up for forty years of mistakes…"

"Not even you can turn back time, Mother," Jeff took her hand, squeezing it lightly. "But I'm here now."


End file.
